Magazines. Sure, we love them… but aren’t there, like, a LOT of them? A lot of them that seem pretty…. similar? Surely we could do without a lot of them. Here are some that really need to stop publishing because they are either A) Evil or B) Superfluous. Here’s the definitive list.
7. Girl’s Life
Girl’s life is supposed to be geared to all teenaged girls. Real life stories, from real teenaged girls. Real… Black White, Latino, braces, freckled and all… articles about the everyday struggles of teen girls and ways they overcome them with positive stories. And these real stories are given lip-service in tiny, tiny print in the beginning of the magazine, only to give way to… the BIG, BOLD articles about the latest makeup and how to skank it up so the quarterback of the football team will want to feel you up after 3rd period. ALso, the cover-girls are are rail-thin, whiter than white, and blonde. Don’t pretend to be family-friendly, Girl’s Life! You’re in the gutter just like all the rest of them, like “Seventeen” and whatnot… therefore, you do not need to exist.
6. Men’s Fitness
“Men’s Fitness” is kind of like “Men’s Health,” but with shallower articles, more ads (it’s 47% ads), and every article/page is promoting some freaking exercise gizmo or supplement. Seriously, after blazing through an article, your eyes will glaze over from all the protein bars, “get ripped” pills, weight loss drinks, and “ab rolling piece of plastic that will cause you to have a six-pack just by buying it.” This world has room for Men’s Health, but not this cheaper knock-off.
5. OK
Hey, are you so insecure and self-hating that you have to read trashy magazines about celebs gone bad in order to feel better about yourself, but you STILL want to do their”diet” so you can look as skinny as your anorexic crushes? Well, there’s only aboout a hundred of these staring at you in every grocery check-out line in the country. Magazines that give you not only the trash, the superficial comparisons, but also horrible diet tips (with little to no basis in reality) to go with it. Wanna hear about how J-Lo trimmed 15 pounds for her film shoot? She stopped eating and got a personal trainer. Doesn’t take a genius…
What’s the least good of these dozens of trash magazines? OK.
4. Flex
Instead of reading this magazine, you should just get a few shots of anabolic steroids in the mail. If you want to look like these unreal-looking guys and think you can get there just by doing the new “peck workout,” you are sadly misinformed. Just head down to you local professional baseball stadium’s trainer’s room, ask for “Canseco,” and you’ll be golden.
3. Southern Living
Hey, want to learn how to make heart-attack inducing food? Try “southern” cuisine. Want to learn how to eat like the fattest friggin people on earth? Just grab some “fried pie” recipes from this dandy with cream and rich sauces. Wann know why healthcare is so expensive in this country? I blame “Southern Living.”
2. Playgirl
I know we’re supposed to be all equal-opportunity here, but while Playboy is a great magazine. Playgirl is not. First, Playboy actually does have decent articles, naked celebrities, and well, men like to look at naked women. Whereas Playgirl magazine does not have any decent articles, and women would rather see Clooney in a suit than naked, I think… Well, maybe not, but you get the idea. I’m guessing the gay population digs Playgirl a lot more than your sister does. Oh, and celebrities? Well, if Levi Johnston counts…
1. Variety
Okay, so Variety covers vital entertainment info. So does the Hollywood Reporter, but without the cheesy article titles. I mean, does EVERY article have to include some pun on the name of the movie/TV Show/ Web Series that they’re doing? Like “Bale Swoops Into Batman Role,” or “Duo Pass Into Farrelly Film” (this is a real one for the upcoming Farrelly Brothers film, “Hall Pass”… get it? “Pass” into film? Hall Pass? See?… ugh.) I mean, how much time do they spend coming up with these puns rather than reporting?? Oh, that’s right. Probably not much. |
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