Does going out on a date sound inviting, but the reality of actually doing it is overwhelming? Finding a reliable sitter isn't always easy, and paying for a sitter can be even more painful. Plus, after dealing with work and kids all day, who has the energy to stay up late enough to go out?
That's it, stop right there! Going out with your spouse doesn't have to be hard. With a little planning, you'll discover it's well worth your time and effort—for you, your spouse, and your kids.
Couple Time
After a busy day, many of us have little energy left for our mates. The needs of work, children, and the household are real and often immediate, leaving our spouses' needs last on our lists. Yet while an infant's needs should take priority—and yes, infants have a lot of needs—denying your spouse's needs and worrying only about the kids can be detrimental to your marriage.
One might assume a strong family unit focuses on the children, yet experts agree the heart of a successful family is a secure marriage. In Parent Power!, author John Rosemond states that the marriage is the nucleus of the family. It creates, defines, and sustains the family unit. Rosemond says, "Children's needs are met if the needs of the marriage are met."
Dr. Judith Siegel, PhD, author of What Children Learn from Their Parents' Marriage, agrees that couple time is a necessity. "I have found that couples who rarely spend time together are not able to support and take care of each other, and that there are painful consequences," says Dr. Siegel. Having children is stressful enough without the added burden of an unhappy marriage. Instead, experts agree couples should spend time together as a way to keep the marriage a priority.
Making It Work
Finding alone time with your spouse may not be easy but it is achievable, and having fun together enhances a marriage. According to Linda and Richard Eyre, co-authors of The Happy Family, dating your spouse keeps your relationship fresh. "Married couples who still have a weekly or biweekly date on a set night tend to keep a courtship mentality that prompts better communication and a more lasting romance," they write.
What about the children? Isn't leaving them behind unfair? Experts say no. Going out with your spouse teaches your children that marriage and partnership are important. Dr. Siegel notes that children learn what to expect from a marriage through their parents' relationship. "When children see how much their parents value each other and their relationship, they are learning about an important source of fulfillment and gratification," writes Dr. Siegel.
Here's a thought: Your children might actually enjoy having a babysitter. For many, a babysitter is a change of pace, someone new to interact and play with, someone whose rules and ways of doing things are different. Even children who have difficulty at first will come around. Everything takes time. Learning to have fun without you is a good lesson in independence for all children.
Last but not least, what about you? When is the last time you felt like a person instead of a parent? Being a good mom or dad does not mean being a martyr, and even the best of parents get tired of changing diapers, playing Barbies, and picking up toys. Remembering that you are a human being with a personality and interests can be very refreshing—and make you a better parent.
Overcoming Your Anxieties
One common roadblock to a fun night out is fighting your own insecurities about leaving your child. If you have qualms, examine why. What are you really afraid of? Will something horrible happen to your child in the three hours you are gone or do you just feel guilty about having fun? If your child balks at being left with a sitter, how serious is his objection? Will he be fine within 10 minutes of your leaving, or will he really go through angst the entire time you're gone? Most of our fears are more about guilt than reality.
The best way to overcome your anxiety is to face it in whatever way works best for you. Try going out on a trial run. Leave your child with your most trusted sitter, family members, or a best friend. Go for just an hour and check in halfway through. Remind yourself that in this age of cell phones, you are readily available should anything happen.
If you think your child will be upset, plan an outing during naptime or after you've tucked him in for the night. After going out a few times, you'll find that you can conquer your and your child's fears and have a good time, too. Your spouse will surely appreciate your efforts.
Finding Reliable Sitters
Even without the help of family and friends, you can find a trustworthy sitter. Start by asking for recommendations—at the soccer field, the preschool, or the YMCA. In addition, many neighborhood associations and churches maintain lists of available babysitters. If that doesn't work, trade time with another family; it's free and the kids will enjoy time with other children. Get a few families involved and you can start a baby sitting co-op. When there is a will there is a way, and you can find a sitter with whom you and your child are comfortable.
Dates that Don't Break the Bank
The cost of dinner and a movie isn't what it used to be. If money is an issue for you, get creative. A free concert in the park, a hike together in the woods, a stroll through the art museum—the possibilities are endless. Looking for a list local festivals and activities? Be sure to check out BabyZone's regional pages for something that's just right for you.
If movies are really your thing, try a matinee. You can also go out for coffee or ice cream instead of a meal. Any money you spend is an investment in your marriage. No matter what you do, you'll bask in the freedom of no stroller, no diaper bag, and no interruptions!
Dating your spouse is fun and healthy for the whole family. The key is to do what feels comfortable and right for your crew. With a little ingenuity, you'll find a night out with your spouse is a positive experience for all. So go on, buy those theater tickets and give yourself a break! |
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