Top 10: Reasons Not To Get Married

　　Being of sane mind and a lover of “everybody,” we want to take the counterpoint approach to the great and lovely institue of marriage and explain the top 10 reasons not to get married. For those of you who believe in the sanctity of marriage and all that it stands for, check back in a few weeks' time for our colleague Andrew Moore's more than admirable job explaining the Top 10: Reasons To Get Married.
　　Marriage was created in the days of governmental control and religious choke holds on the people. The idea of spending forever with someone was bearable because humans only lived until the ripe old age of 40. However, this isn’t your great-great granddad’s black-and-white world anymore.
　　This isn’t an argument against love or being with the person that makes you happy (for any extended period of time), it’s just an argument against the actual institution of marriage and all of the outdated rules that surround the entire concept.
　　10 Marriage will make her let herself go
　　Women gain weight in the relationship because of child birth, but a recent study from the University of Queensland in Australia confirms that even women that don’t have a kid end up gaining a substantial amount of weight in wedded bliss.
　　According to the findings, a woman will gain up to 15 pounds if she had a partner but no baby in the first 10 years of marriage. The study goes on to explain that there are metabolic changes over that time so the weight gain can only be attributed to altered behavior. The altered behavior is not putting in the time and effort in their fitness routines and eating habits.
　　Men are just as guilty for letting themselves evolve into a chubby hubby and this gives women a get-out-of-dieting-free card. She might look good now, but add at least 10 pounds to her frame after the wedding ring slides on the finger.
　　9 Marriage is the end of options
　　Variety is the spice of life. Spice is also the name of the stripper dancing on your lap and slipping you her cell number. No more of that Mr. Married. Settling down with one woman eliminates the wide selection of women and the thrill of the chase. No more flings with a coworker, gym pickups, one-night stands, and no more crazy chicks. Crazy chicks make dating so much fun! Plus, watch what happens the minute you get hitched. Not only do a ton of potential bed buddies come crawling out of the woodwork like carpenter ants, but all the women in your life that you could have scored with start admitting a sexual interest but say: “Too bad you’re getting married.” Yes. Too bad indeed.
　　8 Marriage is expensive
　　Facts and figures released each year by the wedding industries prove that weddings are getting out of control when it comes to price. Last year, Americans spent $71 billion dollars on weddings with each ceremony averaging $28,704. Most marital issues are rooted in problems with money (usually a lack of it), so it's probably not the best idea to kick-start a marriage choking on debt from a wedding cake and a band that ignored all the songs on your “don’t play” list. Sure you’ve got two incomes, but now the questions about how, where and why you spend your money start to creep into the conversation. You have to explain why you spend the money you make like your mom is asking where all your allowance goes. When is marriage the most expensive? When it ends in divorce.
　　7 Marriage is just paperwork
　　It’s perfectly acceptable to be in a monogamous relationship with someone you love and care for, but why do you need a piece of paper from the state or church? Marriage certificates are an unnecessary and potentially expensive formality just to share health insurance. If the two of you are happy with the current agreement, why rock the boat? Is it because of family pressures and the constant “when are you getting married?” questions from all the miserable people stuck in a marriage and looking to suck you into their black hole of depression? That’s so sweet of them.
　　6 Marriage is the end of spontaneity
　　Married couples love to tell people they are still spontaneous. It’s like when people tell you they don’t take crap or that they are not someone you want to mess with. They are full of crap. Spontaneous people don’t talk about how spontaneous they are because they are too busy going places and living a full life. Married people have a diluted and compromised idea of spontaneity. They have spontaneous ideas that then involve months of planning, calendar juggling and last minute cancellations that become “we will do that soon.” They’d love to hop a flight for a weekend trip to Vegas, but that money would be better spent on the bills or putting money into buying a bigger house. Spontaneity also leads to a ton of compromise. Compromise sucks.
　　5 Marriage is constant compromise
　　Life is meant to be lived; to experience everything before the long dirt nap. Hard to accomplish everything when you spend half the time doing the things she wants to do. Well, you did get to pick the activity last week. You wanted to go to go white water rafting and now she wants to catch a Nicholas Sparks marathon on Lifetime and needs you around to watch her cry and restock her tissue supply. Compromise isn’t just associated with small decisions. You’re going to have to come to an agreement on where you live, where your money goes and a million other choices you make just to make her happy.
　　4 Marriage is the end of sex
　　There is still sex -- occasionally. Those occasions are usually holidays, birthdays and every time she feels like you might be considering tipping your donkey in the community pond. It’s as bland as a sugar-free cookie. It’s always in the same location, boring position and ends the same way every time. Want to try something new? Not tonight. Not ever if we are being honest. Sure, some women will experiment, but it won’t be a long-term move added to the routine. Those early days of screwing longer than a cordless screwdriver are long over.
　　3 Marriage often fails
　　Would you risk your life on the flip of a coin? Heads you live, tales you die. You do have a 50-50 chance, but are those really good odds for even giving it a shot? Not as drastic or life threatening, but over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Even people, who are truly in love with each other and the idea of spending the rest of their lives with one person find themselves in divorce. If you fall right in the middle on the idea of marriage (obviously, you have concerns, you’re reading this article), how can you make it work when people who want to get married can’t even stay together?
　　2 Marriage is the end of taking risks
　　Life involves risks -- some that work out and some that crack you in the face and knock you back to the beginning. So what do you do? Take a risk and try all over again. This is fine so long as you’re the only person who suffers from the setbacks. You can’t take chances when another person’s life, money, health, and future are in your hands. That would be a pretty selfish thing to do. Marriage means you’re keeping the best interests of two people in mind during every decision. Sure, it might keep you from making the leap into some pretty dumb moves, but it might also hold you back from pulling the trigger on an idea that will make your life better forever.
　　1 Marriage is forever
　　Think about the person you were a few years ago. Now think back a few years before that to how different it seems from life now. Now ponder the person you will be 10 years from now; you’re likely slightly similar but with many new tastes, feelings, emotions, and at a much different place in life. Is it really possible to think, or want, another human to come along for that crazy ride? No more risks, no more weekend trips to anywhere and all that compromise, money wasted and lack of sex for the rest of your days on earth. Until death do you part. You may now kiss the bride. Hopefully it’s “goodbye.”