To Wait or Not to Wait-That is the Question

　　Part I
　　We've had so much interest in this topic that I've decided to write a three part post on game theory, dating and sex. Now you're probably wondering what on earth does game theory have to do with dating and sex? Good question! In fact, scientists and mathematicians have been studying mating from this perspective for the last 20 years. Game theory, to recap, is a type of applied mathematics that has been used extensively in evolutionary biology and economics. It attempts to fathom the great mystery of human behavior and the choices we make when the success or outcome of those choices depends on other people's choices. And nowhere are those choices more at risk and more reliant on others than in the convoluted dance of dating and sex.
　　For example, the mathematicians Peter Sozou and Robert Seymouri studied the value of gifts in the outcomes of dating. And their results are intriguing. Sozou got to thinking about the real value of gift-giving after he read about a woman who was sleeping around with different guys-- but whose rent was being paid by her so called "exclusive boyfriend." The idea germinated into a study that had as its thesis that costly but essentially valueless gifts, like expensive dinners or limo rides, facilitate courtship but gifts with real value, like paying the rent, giving jewelry, or cold hard cash may bring on unwelcome "gold diggers" like the woman in the newspaper.
　　In Souzou and Seymour's research game, men could choose to give three kinds of gifts: extravagant, valuable or cheap. The women, on the other hand, had to accept or turn down the gift and then choose whether to sleep with the guy. The study found that guys were able to avoid gold diggers and connect to women who were into them and eventually willing to have sex by offering extravagant yet valueless gifts most of the time with a valuable gift occasionally thrown in.
　　Lesson learned for guys: hold off on the big ticket items and you will find rewards. In Part II, we'll look at how women use other signals, in the area of male sexual behavior, to decide mating strategies and whether to sleep with a guy
　　From the "good" (ie, non-gold diggers) woman's perspective, theater tickets or fancy dinners are nice because they show true interest and weed out the less successful guys. These are signals that the man is "good" in terms of offering more potential to care for them and their young. But in the end, however, these "good" women still needed the guys to hang in there over time.
　　Lesson learned for the ladies: be alert to the kinds of gifts that he gives and whether he is willing to persist, even without sex.
　　Part II
　　In Part I of this series we showed that men can discriminate between women and their intentions based on the gifts they give. For one thing, they can eliminate gold diggers. But women can also understand men's intentions over time using other signals. For example if you want a partner who will be a good father, game theory offers real answers. In a follow-up to their 2005 study on gifts and dating1, the mathematicians, Robert Seymour and Peter Sozou, researchers at the University College London, and The London School of Economics used game theory to understand the benefits and costs of waiting to have sex during dating. The game had three possible and independent outcomes:
　　1. The female has sex with male.
　　2. The female quits the game without having sex
　　3. The male quits the game before mating.
　　According to this fascinating study, the duration of the man's dating effort represents the strength of his courtship signal. And it's that signal that a woman should focus on. Males who are more available for lasting and true love relationships were willing to wait and delay having sex and hung in there longer. The authors consider these subjects to be "good men" from the women's point of view, with "goodness" defined as willingness to care for their young after mating. "Bad men," according to these male scholars, try to get to mating right away and then quit the courtship process right after sex.
　　To all men, the courtship game is a kind of war of attrition, with the opportunity to mate with the woman the real benefit for which they wait. According to the findings, which required rejuvenating the statistician in me, a "good" male has a higher ratio of benefit to cost per unit time of courting than a "bad" male. In other words, "bad" men see waiting to have sex as paying too high a price. A "good" male, on the other hand, values mating with the female and having a lasting relationship relative to the costs of courtship, more highly than a "bad" male does. In other words, they can wait longer.
　　Game theorists, evolutionary biologists2 and psychologists like me, share the view that a woman faces a fundamental dilemma in courtship: how to discriminate and make decisions in the face of great uncertainty and not enough information about her prospective partner. (Of course, men face a similar but not exactly the same dilemma.) The answer offered here is that it's best to wait and see how the prospects shake themselves out by not having sex for awhile. If a man is really interested in a relationship, he'll wait for awhile; if not, he'll drop out.

　　Part III
　　In this 3rd article in a 3-part series, from Dating Advice TV, on sex, courtship and dating, we look at what game theory, biology and interpersonal psychology tell us about the benefits and costs of waiting to jump in bed with a prospective dating partner. To recap Parts I and II, game theory studies[i] by two male mathematicians Seymour and Sozou on dating, courtship and sex – suggest some good advice for women would be not to jump in bed with a new dating partner until they have accumulated more data to determine if he is a worthwhile candidate for dating and mating (in their words, a “good” man). And that men that are willing to wait for sex are viewed as better prospects for becoming good fathers than those who don’t. Furthermore, that “good” men who do wait are seen as better caretakers in general and more in it for the long haul than so called “bad” men who just want to get laid.
　　While game theory is an exercise in mathematical probability and not as “real world” say as biology or psychology, its findings in the area of dating and sex are quite in line with those of biology and interpersonal psychology. First let’s look at the biological implications of having sex too soon. Having sex can drive up levels of the hormone oxytocin which in turn can create a strong attachment[ii]. Oxytocin has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone. This means that your body may start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you want to be in a relationship with the person! Throughout the whole sexual act you will experience increases in this hormone and your oxytocin levels stay high after you leave the scene (more for women than men).
　　And if you start falling for this new dating partner, you might also begin experiencing what Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, calls the addiction of romantic love[iii]. Love addiction is like shooting up cocaine or heroin–which means reason often flies out the window. When we “fall in love” our brains make large quantities of dopamine and norepinephrine, which also happens when you take speed! These brain chemicals create the excited, exhilarated and focused state that allows us to have five-hour dating events and remember every detail about what our new hottie did and said. These speed-like chemicals can also drive up our levels of testosterone, which increases sexual desire. Second, when we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders[iv]. So we tend to ruminate, fantasize and obsess about our new (drug-like) dating partner.
　　As a clinical psychologist and trainer of singles and couples therapists for over 25 years I can tell you that for women, in particular, once this process takes over, they can become like craving coke addicts. Even if they are bright, accomplished professionals! They lose touch with reality, seeing only the positives in the guy, ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes, to be with him. Even though they don’t really know him.
　　If you fall into this addictive dating pattern you are putting yourself at risk for an agonizing withdrawal if this is not the One and he rejects you. If this occurs, sleeplessness, crying jags, over-or-under eating, obsessive and upsetting thoughts, all mess with your brain chemistry even further. Add that chemical to any dopamine surges and you’re desperately waiting for his text, email or phone call. Having sex too soon means you open yourself to premature infatuation, dependency and a kind of pseudo-intimacy that almost always backfires. Then, caught in the chemical soup of dopamine and oxytocin, you will likely lose yourself.
　　So what are the costs of waiting while dating? First, you give up the possibility of delicious, hot sex. That’s right. Those partners who are not looking for a lasting relationship will disappear on you the minute you say no. (Some of my most loyal male readers and at times my most venomous critics on my PT blog probably fit into this category; you know who you are…) My advice to you . . . consider this an entry fee. Second, you give up the great fantasies and sexual freedom associated with having wild no-strings-attached sex. Finally, some of you, after a few months of abstinence, might become sexually frustrated (OK—all of you). I do have good news and some advice, however. Most, I believe, have figured out ways to self-soothe. (If not, Google “masturbation”).
　　So the takeaway here is, learn to discriminate by taking your time. As the song goes, "The Waiting is the Hardest Part," but it is also more likely to result in a love that lasts.
　　Diana Kirschner Ph.D.'s bestselling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, is the basis for her PBS Special on love. It's just out in paperback with a new chapter on Dating Games Men Play. Dr. Diana is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show. She has been married to a "good" man for over 25 years. Connect with Dr. Diana and get her free relationship advice E-course at Dating Advice TV.