Get comfortable in the bedroom with these helpful tips
Feeling a tad unsexy? There are lots of reasons—from job stress to kid drama—that your sexual confidence may have taken a nosedive, but here are 10 easy ways to get that lovin’ feeling back again.
1. Tap into Your Inner Diva
Singer Beyoncé Knowles has famously said that she taps into an alter ego when she performs. She even has a name for her: Sasha Fierce. "I have someone else that takes over when it's time for me to work and when I'm on stage,” she said in 2008. “Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken and more glamorous side that comes out.”
Where such a persona gives Beyoncé confidence on stage, you can use this thinking to give you confidence in the bedroom, says Paula Bloom, PhD, an Atlanta-based clinical psychologist and frequent CNN en Español contributor. “It’s the old slogan, ‘act as if,’” she says. “Act as if you are a sexpot. Act as if you are fabulous. Action often precedes motivation. It can change how you think and feel.”
2. Look at Real Women’s Bodies
Newsflash: The females you’re seeing in the pages of some of your favorite magazines and on TV are often not realistic representations of the average American woman. When you’re constantly seeing images of size 2 women and you’re a size 12, it’s easy to start feeling undesirable, says Dr. Bloom.
Your assignment: Take a mini-media break, says Dr. Bloom, and “look at real women's bodies!” Go to the gym or Loehmann's, where there are communal dressing rooms, and take notice of what real women look like, she suggests. No, don’t stare—just notice! “This can be an important reminder that sexy comes in all sizes—including your own,” Dr. Bloom adds.
3. Think About Your Body’s Strength
When you feel 100 percent unsexy? Try this trick: “Think of your body as an instrument, not an ornament,” says Dr. Bloom. “Focus on images that remind you of your body's power, like childbirth, running, climbing or dancing—rather than how you look in the dressing room mirror.”
This little exercise, she says, can bolster your self-image and confidence—two things that can impact how you feel about sex.
4. Turn on the Music
Forget the alcohol! If you really want to get into a sexy mood, try putting on a CD, recommends Dr. Bloom. “Music is a wonderful, and healthy, mood-altering substance. Sexy music can influence how you feel about yourself.”
We recommend these romantic CDs: Romanza by Andrea Bocelli, Getz for Lovers by Stan Getz, Moondance by Van Morrison, I’m Still in Love with You by Al Green and Lovers Rock by Sade.
5. Take a Break from Facebook
The cause of your insecurity in the bedroom? Maybe you can blame Facebook, say Canadian researchers. In a study that appeared in the journal CyberPsychology & Behavior, they found that the more time people spent on social networking sites like Facebook, the more jealousy they felt regarding their romantic partners.
The theory, explains the researchers, is that such social networking sites could turn natural curiosity about your husband’s contacts into anxiety about past partners, which can lead to jealousy. Nix these unhealthy emotions, and trade computer time for face-to-face interaction.
6. Ask for What You Want
If you’re having trouble articulating your needs in the bedroom, Dr. Bloom says an easy way to boost your confidence is to “practice asking firmly and specifically for what you want during the day!”
Here’s how: Get comfortable asking for specific things at restaurants, at the dry cleaner’s or at your child’s preschool. “The more comfortable you are with having needs and articulating your needs in the world, the better you'll be at doing it with your partner,” explains Dr. Bloom.
7. Watch Fewer Romantic Comedies
Who doesn’t love a good chick flick, right? But, beware: Meg Ryan’s or Anne Hathaway’s adorable on-screen happy ending may actually be bringing you down.
Dr. Bloom’s advice is to watch less in the romantic comedy genre, citing recent research that found a correlation between these films and relationship dissatisfaction. “Sometimes they can create an unrealistic view of relationships,” she explains. “Women ending up thinking their relationships fall short.”
8. Invest in a Dimmer Switch
One of the easiest ways to go from “I just can’t get in the mood,” to “Honey, tonight is the night!” is as simple as dimming the lights, says Debby Herbenick, PhD, author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
Take the advice of a sex expert and have your husband install a dimmer, or see what candlelight does for your body confidence. Let’s face it, says Dr. Herbenick, fluorescent overhead lights don’t boost anyone’s body image in the bedroom.
9. Stop Looking at the Clock
How long should sex last? If you’ve seen a love scene in a movie recently, it can be easy to deduct that great sex should last hours. And when your usual encounter with your husband lasts exactly six minutes, it can be easy to assume that there’s something wrong with you, or your sexual abilities.
But don’t get into that thinking, say experts. In fact, a 2008 study that surveyed top sex therapists in Canada and the United States found that sex classified as “normal and good” lasts just three to 13 minutes.
10. Buy Some New Lingerie
It may sound cliché, but a quick and easy way to take your sexual self-esteem from a 2 to a 10 is with some flattering new lingerie—especially if your size has fluctuated in the past few years.
“Wear things that fit you now, don't constrict and are made of a sensual material,” encourages Dr. Bloom. “No need to be assaulted with clothing that is too tight. Movement is sexy!”
We like the Affinitas Intimates line, which is as affordable as it is beautiful. Visit AffinitasIntimates.com for store locations. |
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