Hot. Thrilling. When was the last time you used words like that to describe your relationship? "Once you move out of the infatuation phase, the spice usually starts to fade," says author and sex therapist Ian Kerner, PhD. In a recent Woman's Day poll, 38 percent of you said the thrill has fizzled from your relationship. So what can you do to bring back that strong, intense connection? Read on for great tips from relationship experts and real women on how to ignite the spark again. Grab your pen and pad of paper—you'll want to take notes.
Share a 20-Second Hug
When you embrace your man, how long do you usually stay entwined? A few seconds? Next time, hold on a bit longer. "When you hug for at least 20 seconds, it increases levels of [the hormone] oxytocin in both men and women and makes you feel closer," says Dr. Kerner.
Clean Out Your Bedroom
It's the place where you time spend alone with your partner, but there may be roadblocks to seduction. Get rid of the family pictures on the dresser. Sexologist and relationship expert Logan Levkoff explains that seeing a picture of your children or mother-in-law could definitely ruin the moment—or prevent you from getting in the mood in the first place. Also, consider saying goodbye to the television. "If you have 700 channels, it gives you 700 excuses to avoid being intimate," says Logan.
Send a Love Note
Handwritten love letters may be a thing of the past, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express your love via written communication. Sometimes it’s easier than saying it aloud. "Make it a priority to send a sweet email, sexy text message or some other little gesture on a weekly basis," says sexologist and author Yvonne Fulbright, PhD.
Tell Him Exactly What You Want
You can’t be upset that your husband never gives you a massage if you don't tell him you want one. "A reason men don’t do things is because they fear getting it wrong," says Logan. "Women have to understand that men feel pressured." Make it easier by sharing with your significant other the things you like—and dislike.
Be Unpredictable
"Long-term relationships are based on trust, dependability and predictability," says Dr. Kerner. That's great when it comes to finances and raising a family, but in the bedroom—not so much. Mystery can create the romance you're missing. "Sometimes I tell my husband to expect a 'surprise' after the kids go to bed. The anticipation alone keeps him excited all day long," says Eunice Carreira of Kaneohe, Hawaii.
Engage in a Heart-Pumping Activity
If you're looking for a great date idea for Valentine's Day or any other day, consider an adrenaline-pumping activity such as skiing, snowboarding or skydiving. According to Dr. Kerner, adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder by boosting dopamine in the brain. (Dopamine is the same feel-good hormone that is released after sex.)
Schedule a Date
Hire a babysitter and pencil in dinner with your man just as you would for a client or old college friend. Staci Christmas of Avon Park, Florida, and her husband frequently go out on date nights. "You need time to be away from kids, family and work to relax and reconnect," she says.
Have Sex Without the "Sex" Part
Sometimes too much emphasis is placed on the actual act of sex. "Sex happens not just in the body, but also in the mind," says Dr. Kerner. "Not actually having intercourse can make the experience more creative and fun." Kissing, touching and fooling around can sometimes be just as enjoyable.
Leave Arguments Outside
"What happens outside the bedroom usually affects what happens inside the bedroom," says Dr. Kerner. If you and your mate have a spat, it may be wise to repair the argument before you go to bed. Dr. Kerner also suggests making a joke or giving your partner a kiss if you feel a conversation is headed toward a disagreement.
Stroke His Ego
"Find out what your man wants and do it for him," says Logan. Affirm his self-esteem with a compliment or by doing something special. "I tell my husband that he is the sexiest man I know as often as possible. I want him to know that he is still that hot guy I thought he was when we first met," says Beth Pisano of Hutchinson, Kansas.
Indulge in Yourself
"Women tend to place everyone else before them, often putting their self-care on a back burner," says Dr. Fulbright. "The more a woman looks after her health and welfare—for example, the more she exercises—the better she will feel and the more she'll be in the mood for sex." Dr. Kerner suggests that women dress up for themselves: Once you like the way you look, you'll feel sexy and confident, and that alone will get your heart pumping.
Revisit the Honeymoon Days
No, you don't have to start pulling out the old wedding albums and get all teary-eyed. Instead recall the fun times you and your mate had when you were still a hot, new item and incorporate them into your relationship today. What made you laugh? What did the two of you enjoy doing the most? "My husband and I go to sci-fi and comic conventions together, which gives us plenty of fodder for being geeky together," says Shari Lipkin of Watertown, Massachusetts. "His silliness is what attracted me in the first place! |
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